Home is where the heart is...

I wonder where my heart is. I guess I would say that I always feel at home wherever my closest relationships are. So I could be in England, but if I'm with a dear friend, I'd feel at home I guess. Not to say I don't have any attachment or love for places in themselves. I love Vermont and I love Lancaster. Both beautiful, farmy type places. Yes, I just said "farmy." Perhaps agrarian would be a better word. But ultimately, no place, no matter how pretty, is worth being in if you don't have close knit community.

I thought I was building that here. I guess I still am, but right now I feel rather lonely. I guess this would be natural when one is coming from four years of living with one's friends. Dorm life is pretty wonderful, but it can't go on forever. I find that friendships become more difficult when one isn't constantly surrounded by opportunity. You have to make an active effort. You have to go to the people, rather then waiting for them to come to you. You have to work at it a bit more, and invest a bit more maybe. Investment. Hmm...now there is a term I am learning the meaning of, a bit...I never really thought of it before. I just sort of moseyed along and enjoyed the people around me, but I wasn't really aware of putting a stake in someone else (does that sound rather vampiric?) Lets see...dictionary.com gives several definitions for this word. The one that seems most pertinent is this: Invest: to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something: He invested a lot of time in helping the homeless. It also refers to money, but the common definition seems to involve putting something in with the hopes of getting something back. Hmm...it makes me wonder then, how this concept of investment lines up with the Gospel. Are we then meant to invest in other people? Do I only give with the hopes of getting back? I thought we were called to give without thought to return. But in relationships, especially the closer ones, there is mutual gift. Both parties give. Then, it would make sense wouldn't it for both parties to expect to receive? If one gives a part of themselves to someone else, they would reasonably expect some kind of reciprocation. I think sometimes though, because of sin, we don't get that. Some people are incapable of giving it. I mean, look at Christ, He certainly gave and gives more to us than we can ever return. Who has given him anything that he may be repaid? But I'm not sure on this. I'd appreciate comments if anyone has some wisdom to offer.

But yeah...friendships, relationships. These make a home, especially family. And in the Body of Christ, we are all family are we not? Family is the closest relationship. Your wife, if you're married, becomes family. But there is family in the general sense, and then there is real personal intimacy. That takes a long time to develop. And it takes longer when you're not in a dorm. So I guess I have to be patient, and trust God to guide me where He wills. I want a home in Lancaster, I'd love to have a family here. But if ultimately I never get close to anyone, then will it truly be my home? Am I destined to be a wanderer?

Lets take it even further. No person, even in family, can be ultimate fulfillment. Augustine learned well where the restless heart must go in order to find rest. You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You. And God doesn't live in Vermont (though he may live in Lancaster, and he certainly does not live in Philadelphia haha). Actually God probably dwells more in the poor and afflicted places of the world than any other. Jesus didn't live in a palace. But that aside, we know that the divine nature is outside of time and space. He is not bound by any of our categories. So then, I must place my heart in His hands, and there my heart will find its fulfillment. In the eternal Fatherland, in heaven with the Divine Master. With Jesus. So if home is where the heart is, then perhaps my home ought to be in heaven. Of course, I'm not stupid. We are creatures of both heaven and earth...and so we would desire to have an earthly home too. And in the eschaton, we will. God will dwell in the world with men, not men flitting around in heaven. But this side of eternity...where shall my home be?
Perhaps when we are lonely it is opportunity to draw nigh to Him who alone can satisfy. But sometimes even that doesn't seem to alleviate that feeling. Maybe all my skeptic friends would say thats because he's not there and I'm a fool for believing it. Well thats crap, and here's why its crap. If the world is any indication, those nations and those people who have rejected God in their lives seem to be the most impoverished in their hearts. The most lonely. And they don't know where to turn for consolation. By grace, I have some idea. I can use loneliness as a reminder that no person can fill me. Here's a poem by St. Theresa of Avila. It might shed some light on the lonely heart...

Let nothing disturb thee,
Let nothing affright thee;
All things are passing;
God never changeth;
Patient endurance
Attaineth to all things;
Who God possesseth
In nothing is wanting;
God alone sufficeth.

I pray our Lord in His mercy would fix my weak and failing eyes upon Himself. And, having that sight, I pray he'd give me friends to share it with. And a home here, while I await my entry into my heavenly home.