From House to Home

I would consider myself somewhat easily amused. And perhaps easily satisfied. Well, satisfaction has come to me in great quantities, and for only 26 dollars at that! I have in my possession a real wooden kitchen table and a set of four matching chairs. It is wonderful. It makes my dining room actually become a room where one dines rather than a dance floor, which I was seriously considering converting it into before I found these five lovely beauties. It wouldn't have been too hard, the ceiling fan has a motor, just remove the blades and attach a disco ball, and presto. Dance floor. But NOW I don't need to do that anymore! Seriously, I'm giddy. When I was in Oxford, I didn't have a proper table in our flat. We had to eat on the couch. It really sucked, and made me feel like I was living in a dorm, not a home. Well now all that's changed. I have a real kitchen table...a place to sit and write, sit and eat, sit and type on my computer. For some reason, a kitchen table really makes the home for me. I'm not sure why exactly, perhaps its because the family meal was a formative occurrence for me when I was growing up. But now I can proudly celebrate the fact that I do indeed have my own home! Yay!!!

Boxes and Tye Dye

I envy some of my friends their emotional control. They seem to be able to "compartmentalize," that is, they can take whatever it is they're feeling and seal it off in a box in one corner of their mind while they devote their energy to something else. Later, when the time is right, they can open the box and deal with whatever creepy crawly thing is scrabbling around the inside trying desperately to escape. I think this ability reflects some degree of emotional maturity. It expresses the ability of a person to shift focus from themselves to an appropriate task, be it a work assignment, school assignment, or another relationship. Those with this skill have greater power to be available to others and to accomplish the will of God in spite of their own problems. I respect this.

Of course this ability has a downside too. It can be used as a shield to insulate one's self from too much pain. It can be used to cut people out, not to make one's self more available for them. People with this skill highly developed most likely have a strong independent streak running through them. They don't rely on others, they simply pack it away and forge ahead. Too much of this, and you've stopped relating to others, stopped giving of yourself to others. It can become prideful, selfish hoarding rather than effective management of resources.

Nevertheless, I wish I possessed some greater alacrity with this skill. I am already the sort of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. I do my best to be sincere. Refraining from saying what is on my mind and heart is difficult, even when the best thing for the other person might be to just shut up. Unfortunately, my emotional control isn't nearly that well developed. I feel sometimes like a thin napkin holding a greasy hamburger, and the grease just soaks the napkin so much it turns clear. I feel like a tie-dye shirt, where the colors of all my emotions bleed together, everything tinting everything else around it until all you have is an eye-hurting blend of color which seems to lack any form or reason. Sounds a little bit like modern art (I hate modern art, though I like tie-dye shirts, so don't worry Andy.) And I'm not really sure what the benefits to such a condition are. Perhaps sincerity and giving my heart comes easier to me than others. I don't know, because people with superior emotional control seem to be better able to do these things than I. There are so many times I wish I could just pack this or that color into a box and toss it. Nay, incinerate it. Perhaps that's the benefit. Maybe compartmentalizers end up with basements filled with old boxes they've never dealt with, and have to have a lawn sale every few years, lest they become too cluttered to move around in. Their basements are the scary ones. Mine is just messy.

Priorities

What am I here for?

Seriously, why am I here? What am I doing on this earth, and where am I going? Have I really seriously thought about these questions, and taken the steps to really focus on getting the answers? Its not as if these questions haven't been on my heart. They've burned in my heart, and I've agonized over them, to the point of falling into depression. So what's wrong then?

Priorities.

What have I set as my priorities? I say to all of my friends, "I believe I am called to marriage." But what does this really mean? I talk so much about the greatness of this vocation, but do I really know what I'm saying when I preach about it? To some degree, maybe yes. I absolutely adore family life. I absolutely adore children. I am deeply committed to the respect and integration of the entire human person, body and soul, and am a disciple of the theology of the body. I firmly believe that the Church's teaching on marriage and family life expresses an indescribable fullness of this vocation. So in this sense, yes, I believe I am ready for marriage. I know what is right and I know what marriage is for. I am under no delusions about this. So my problem isn't a theological one.

My problem is more emotional. Lets face it. Puberty was not a happy time for me. Highschool was not a vast playing field of intimate dating relationships. I've been rejected more times than I care to count. And what has this resulted in? My entire life, from the moment I looked at a girl and thought something other than "yuck, cooties," I have longed for a relationship. For intimacy, to be loved. As I grew, I matured, I became committed to my faith and I realized that love was so much more than sex. And yet still I desired. I ached. And felt alone, and in the not so secret part of my soul, unworthy of love.

Then I got into my first serious relationship. I instantly glued my heart to this girl, and not with elmers, but with fast-dry epoxy. For anyone who has experience with this crap, it does NOT come off easily. Onto her I pinned all my hopes for happiness, all my dreams. At last, at last, I had fulfillment. I was worthy, I wasn't lonely anymore.

Can anyone guess where this story ends up? We broke up. And with that, my heart left a significant portion of itself behind with that glue. It was a large wound, and took the better part of a year to heal. And so I continued to grow, and mature more. I liked a few women, and nothing developed. I felt the old pain, and the old wondering, "Am I good enough?"

Recently I have undergone a transforming experience of grace. No longer am I plagued with this question, am I good enough? At last, I am freed from the chains of self-deprecation, and at last I know the love of my Lord toward me. And now what am I to do with this love? I am no longer the boy who believed himself not good enough. But old habits die hard, and not loving one's self easily translates into not trusting God, especially when one cannot see how God can love one such as I. And so I come to priorities. What am I searching for? Am I going to continue to be the boy who is afraid of loneliness? Or will I trust in the love of my Lord? Will I recognize that He has placed me here for a purpose, and given me precious time in which to accomplish His Will? Where should I spend my energy then? Into worrying about whether I'll ever share my life with someone? Or preparing for the possibility of sharing my life with someone, that I might truly give myself? And this is the priority I must set. I must trust my God. And focus on the tasks he has placed before me. How am I to be a father if I have no career? How am I to teach my children about Jesus if I do not know Him intimately? This will be my new focus. I will seek my vocation, and seek His face. If I am called to marriage then I must prepare for it, and I can only do this by becoming the man He has called me to be. Anything less will not do. Those of you who pray, please pray for me in this new endeavor of mine. An endeavor of faith, hope, and charity. Those of you who don't, wish me luck. I'm going to take whatever is left of that epoxy, and bind my heart where it belongs. "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."

*A good friend suggested I connect the epoxy imagery at the end. This was not my own thought.
*Epoxy is great for modeling. It works by mixing two substances together and then applying to the bonding surface. You can get a tube for about five bucks at a hardware store. Pretty expensive, but if you want your stuff to stick then it works.