What am I here for?
Seriously, why am I here? What am I doing on this earth, and where am I going? Have I really seriously thought about these questions, and taken the steps to really focus on getting the answers? Its not as if these questions haven't been on my heart. They've burned in my heart, and I've agonized over them, to the point of falling into depression. So what's wrong then?
Priorities.
What have I set as my priorities? I say to all of my friends, "I believe I am called to marriage." But what does this really mean? I talk so much about the greatness of this vocation, but do I really know what I'm saying when I preach about it? To some degree, maybe yes. I absolutely adore family life. I absolutely adore children. I am deeply committed to the respect and integration of the entire human person, body and soul, and am a disciple of the theology of the body. I firmly believe that the Church's teaching on marriage and family life expresses an indescribable fullness of this vocation. So in this sense, yes, I believe I am ready for marriage. I know what is right and I know what marriage is for. I am under no delusions about this. So my problem isn't a theological one.
My problem is more emotional. Lets face it. Puberty was not a happy time for me. Highschool was not a vast playing field of intimate dating relationships. I've been rejected more times than I care to count. And what has this resulted in? My entire life, from the moment I looked at a girl and thought something other than "yuck, cooties," I have longed for a relationship. For intimacy, to be loved. As I grew, I matured, I became committed to my faith and I realized that love was so much more than sex. And yet still I desired. I ached. And felt alone, and in the not so secret part of my soul, unworthy of love.
Then I got into my first serious relationship. I instantly glued my heart to this girl, and not with elmers, but with fast-dry epoxy. For anyone who has experience with this crap, it does NOT come off easily. Onto her I pinned all my hopes for happiness, all my dreams. At last, at last, I had fulfillment. I was worthy, I wasn't lonely anymore.
Can anyone guess where this story ends up? We broke up. And with that, my heart left a significant portion of itself behind with that glue. It was a large wound, and took the better part of a year to heal. And so I continued to grow, and mature more. I liked a few women, and nothing developed. I felt the old pain, and the old wondering, "Am I good enough?"
Recently I have undergone a transforming experience of grace. No longer am I plagued with this question, am I good enough? At last, I am freed from the chains of self-deprecation, and at last I know the love of my Lord toward me. And now what am I to do with this love? I am no longer the boy who believed himself not good enough. But old habits die hard, and not loving one's self easily translates into not trusting God, especially when one cannot see how God can love one such as I. And so I come to priorities. What am I searching for? Am I going to continue to be the boy who is afraid of loneliness? Or will I trust in the love of my Lord? Will I recognize that He has placed me here for a purpose, and given me precious time in which to accomplish His Will? Where should I spend my energy then? Into worrying about whether I'll ever share my life with someone? Or preparing for the possibility of sharing my life with someone, that I might truly give myself? And this is the priority I must set. I must trust my God. And focus on the tasks he has placed before me. How am I to be a father if I have no career? How am I to teach my children about Jesus if I do not know Him intimately? This will be my new focus. I will seek my vocation, and seek His face. If I am called to marriage then I must prepare for it, and I can only do this by becoming the man He has called me to be. Anything less will not do. Those of you who pray, please pray for me in this new endeavor of mine. An endeavor of faith, hope, and charity. Those of you who don't, wish me luck. I'm going to take whatever is left of that epoxy, and bind my heart where it belongs. "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
*A good friend suggested I connect the epoxy imagery at the end. This was not my own thought.
*Epoxy is great for modeling. It works by mixing two substances together and then applying to the bonding surface. You can get a tube for about five bucks at a hardware store. Pretty expensive, but if you want your stuff to stick then it works.
5 comments:
i am praying for you, shawn! you can be ASSURED of my prayers for you! you are such an inspiration to me, and this blog is spot-on GREAT advice for anyone currently in the single life. i learn so much from you. you are such a treasure to me!
When we grow up, we see the love that our parents have for each other. We know that what they have is special. We grow up thinking that the love they have for each other was always there. We could not imagine them loving anyone else except their spouse. We did not get to see them go through the struggles of dating. We did not see them have their hearts broken from previous relationships. What we see in their love is how it is suppose to be. What we do not always understand is how to get there.
We also want it now. It is hard in this time of instant gratification to have the patience for God's plan to be revealed to us.
Those are good thoughts, ideas, and a mediation. It's funny to think that that is what I came up with too just a couple months back. You are on the right track my friend.
I pray for you Shawn, and the prayer I recommend which speaks to the Lord with a humble and submissive heart is what is said at the Stations of the Cross during Lent:
"Lord love me and grow my love for Thee, and then do with me what Thou Wilt."
Let me just say that this note describes where I have come from, as well. I pinned my concept of self-worth, all my hopes for companionship and happiness onto my first dating relationship. I was finally worth something, finally cherished and beautiful. To put it plainly, I was guilty of the sin of idolatry; I wanted this relationship so badly that I worshipped it. When it ended, I came crawling back to God, broken heart in my hands, and screamed at Him, railed at Him, waited for Him to strike me down for my audacity and ingratitude and sin. And do you know what He did instead? He covered my nakedness of spirit and began to show me, little by little, that I have always been worthwhile--always loved, cherished, and beautiful. Christ not only saved me, He seduced me to win me back, His wanton bride, when I strayed from Him and got my heart broken. I am not entirely sure why I am sharing this with you, except to encourage you in your endeavor to "bond your heart to Christ". It helps that He is not only the Savior of our souls, but--in the words of yet another hymn--the "lover of my soul".
Wow. I wonder if perhaps this sort of spiritual tenderness is forbidden me, simply because I'm a male. I doubt it though, all one needs do is read John of the Cross. Thank you for that.
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