Shoes & Blues

*sigh*

I am so easily swayed by the opinions of others. I am like a reed in the wind. For all my life, perhaps my biggest spiritual battle has been one with confidence & discouragement. Confidence in myself, in my abilities, in my social acumen. Confidence in God, in His love for me, in the Church. Always has been a struggle.

I recently bought a whole mess of new clothes that I really like. Spent alot of money too, well, by my standards at least; I rarely spend more than 100 dollars at once unless I am paying a bill. But, for once I think, I look good. And that made me feel awesome. I got some sweet new colors for dress shirts and some beautiful new ties, including a black shirt and white tie: something I've wanted for years now. I put those on and I was the new hotness in town, hands down. My new clothes made me feel confident, made me feel justified in my purchase, and excited that I could actually ENJOY what I was wearing each day.

Then I moved on to shoes.

Yes, you all read my previous blog. I fell in love with some ushy gushy leather soled sandals but passed them up for what I thought was a more practical and comfortable option. And at least on par with the originals as socially acceptable. But alas, it turns out the there is nothing short of widespread hatred toward crocs in this world. And the assumption I had about them being socially acceptable was based on the fact that they were a brief fad while I was in college but continue their existence now largely on the feet of hospital workers, chefs, middle aged moms, and little kids.

Damn.

I was really quite miffed at myself and downright embarrassed when, after telling my co-worker that I had bought crocs, received a look of utter disparagement. Embarassed because of my previous, elated celebration at owning a pair. Miffed because, why the heck should I be EMBARASSED for wearing something that I liked and were comfortable? Miffed at my own lack of integrity and confidence in my own decisions it seems. Yeah, so they're not very pretty I thought. So what, they're a summer shoe. People walk in the dirt, mud, and water with em. They don't need to be pretty. But apparently I was wrong.

So for the rest of the day I was actually depressed. It was made worse when the sentiments of my co-worker were matched by nearly everyone on the planet (though perhaps in a less scathing way.) I proceeded to agonize for the next few days over these dumb shoes and the fact that everyone hated them. I felt my previous confidence sliding away, and I was irritated that I had seemingly wasted 26 bucks. But most of all I was furious with myself for being such a noodle spine that my confidence had become so tied to a pair of stupid shoes. Aren't I a child of God? Did not that same God in Flesh find me worth giving up his very own Life? THAT is where my dignity is, not in a pair of crocs.

I'm sooo concerned with attracting a woman. Thats where alot of this comes from. And yes, I know that character is infinitely more important than any external physical thing but I also recognize that you have to be attracted to the person that you're with. And face it, I would like to be attractive. I wonder if part of me actually believes that wearing a pair of crocs will affect whether I can get a date or not. Geez.

So now here I am, wallowing in self-pity because I chose the wrong pair of shoes. It did occur to me to tell the world where it could stick its opinion, but honestly, this whole experience has soured me so much that I'm probably just going to return the dumb shoes. I heard they tend to collect bacteria anyway, and thats kind of what I want to avoid in the first place. Hows that for a weak rationalization?